A few months ago, I had 3 people cancel appointments with me within a 24 hour time frame. It got me to thinking about a number of things...such as work/life balance, priorities, and commitment. I got to talking with a peer about this cancellation pattern. I didn't like it. There seemed to be something for me to learn in the experience.
This is what I think: if I have a kidney dialysis appointment, odds are that a "fire drill" at work or at home won't keep me from it. I likely won't be late, either. But if I have a lunch with a friend, the same doesn't hold true--I may be tempted to expect my friend or family member to understand my last-minute re-scheduling. "Sorry, something came up." Or I may just show up late and rely on a canned apology to smooth the waters.
With my friends, I want to be right up there with dialysis in the priority list. If they wouldn't cancel their dialysis appointment, then they shouldn't cancel their appointment with me, either. I want dialysis friends, and I want to be a dialysis friend as well. Because, really, in today's busy work/life climate, something always comes up. And we tend to make time for the things we truly find important.
So what I learned was this: if I want dialysis friends, I've gotta be really honest about saying how I feel about missed and/or late appointments. And then it's my job to quit making appointments with people who don't follow through.
I've solved the problem for myself, but the systems thinker in me wonders: why is it that this behavior is so prevalent in our culture? What about the structure of our systems encourage us to prioritize the unimportant above the important, such as imagined work crises over family, friends, and health? Got ideas? Share 'em.
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2 comments:
I am one of those people that cancels things a lot. It's not something I'm proud of, for sure.
For me it isn't about something "more important" coming up-- it's about anxiety and panic. I want to go out with friends, I know that I should, I make plans to do so. . . but when the time comes, often I am too freaked out to leave the house. I literally feel like I am unable to go out and be around other people.
Recent case: I drove out to Crescent Lake for a friend's wedding. Took the day off on a Friday so I could get up there for the Friday evening bbq (wedding was saturday). Drove six hours to get there (ferry lines, ick), checked into a hotel in port angeles, showered and changed clothes, charged up my camera-- I was ready to go. I drove another half hour out to the wedding site, parked the car and walked to the main inn. I looked around and there were all these people I'd never seen before. I didn't recognize anyone and I started to panic. It felt like everyone was staring at me and my shaky hands. I went back to the car and drove back to the hotel. Luckily, the bride was so busy she didn't notice my absence.
This is an extreme example, I know. And I know that some people are flakes, some people get too caught up in work, some people over-book themselves to feel important. But every once in awhile, someone who cancels on you might be experiencing thoughts or feelings that really make it difficult for them to follow through on plans. And those people, like me, are embarrassed to admit the truth so we say things like "something came up."
My reasons for doing what I do mean nothing-- they don't make the behavior right. But yeah, I might even miss a dialysis appointment-- the level of importance of an event doesn't make me more likely to follow through. I really don't think I'm the only one out there that's crazy in this way. . .
Karen
A couple of comments...
I understand the social anxiety thing that Penelope/Karen talks about. I experience that on occasion -- seems like I experience it less and less these days, especially as I've disclosed to people my anxiety. I can see how a wedding would be particularly challenging! I've bagged out on a few things like baby showers in my time...
I think the anxiety, if you can admit it to friends you trust, does dissipate. And I think such an admission brings people closer -- at least it's less likely to piss someone off.
Not that you asked for advice...
Jamie, I was thinking about how satisfying it was to be able to say yes to you when you asked for a ride to the mechanic. And I was so glad that I had the extra energy coming back from Orcas Island to be able to help you with the garden. I like being asked for help. For one thing, helping someone else (or just hanging out) gives me a break from my non-stop thinking. So that's the benefit I get from being a dialysis friend.
It'll be interesting, as I start seeing clients, to see how committed people are to their therapy sessions. I have a feeling that I'm on the hyper side of making sure I always get to therapy, with time to spare. I treat therapy like dialysis. I'm not so sure that other people will. Certainly the anxiety about doing hard interpersonal work may make it hard for some people to make it every week.
that's all for now.
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